**WARNING** Okay - so I should already warn you about this post - it's going to be a not-so-nice, opinionated, LONG post. I started writing this yesterday and decided maybe I should start over and not be too detailed and be a bit less rude ;)
The enrichment leader in my ward was reading over the reasons for enrichment and one of the many lists that enrichment is for is to help the sisters in the ward to become better wives and mothers through __, ___, and etc. So, she thought - well, we aren't poppin out kids or even married yet here - but maybe our goal should be to help the sisters get to this place!! Yeah...so maybe a good thought, but then the direction of it went a little astray.
At enrichment we were told we'd be learning "how to flirt" and so I was already dreading it. I mean, the four letter word - D-A-T-E is already a bit of an annoying or touchy word...and to have a whole night devoted to it seemed "YIKES". Anyway this chick incharge busted out her lesson - She basically read the book The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider in 1995. Maybe you haven't heard of this book, but it was a best seller - some people swear by it calling it the "dating bible" and others feel it's a how to guide that teaches women to play games like the chase... Lets tell you the rules first:
1 - Don't talk to a man first
2 - Don't stare at men or talk too much
3 - Don't call him and rarely return his phone calls
4 - Don't accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday
5 - Don't see him more than once or twice a week
6 - Let him take the lead
7 - Don't expect a man to change or try to change him
8 - Always end the date first
9 - Etc Etc... there's a whole list on wikipedia... (these are the ones we read about)
So - I had heard of this book before, but I didn't agree with the girl who was a Rules Girl because she just seemed to be playing with them or something. After hearing the rules above, I at least gained a bit more respect. I believe these rules are good to think about when evaluating that man you like. I mean - obivously if he's not calling you, he doesn't ask you out or come and talk to you --- most likely, he's not crazy for you...and when we get married, we're going to want to find that guy who will do anything to be with us. BUT, haven't you met some married couples where the girl makes it convenient for him to talk to her, she might even drop a hint of a good date, or something - and maybe the guy just needed a little help, or was scared, etc. I mean, in todays world, guys are a bit more hesitant to date, and girls have to show they are interested. If you walk around not talking or looking at guys, not showing them - hey, i'm here...then why the heck would they even notice you? But, I do see the book's point that we need to watch out and try to find the guys that will do these things, rather than someone looking for bootycall...
This doesn't mean we're supposed to follow these rules though! I mean, come on!! It just upset me so much to see all these semi-not-social-already girls be told that they need to be even more socially awkward...and not talk to the boys. SAD! Okay, I'm not the expert - but these girls need friends that are guys and need to learn how to talk with them - and the guys sure do need help too. I really appreciated Elder Oaks counsel for the Young Singles - that's at least some sound advice! We're supposed to pair off, stop hanging out so much, but to meet people, etc. How can I if I'm just sitting and waiting for the MR Right to do all the work? Heck, I don't care if I find a guy I like - If I even ask him out or present an activity to do or suggest we get a bite to eat, etc. I mean - I will at least have a social group and friends and can network and widen my Man pool a bit. (This is soooo missionaryish.... I think the more guys I know, the more of a chance that I'll find the one... Like finding investigators...but it's soo true a little bit...)
I also found it completely ironic that there are actually RULES that people swear by as the secret success. That's soo too good to be true. Like really, if there was some secret way to getting a guy - wouldn't I and all of us be married by now? And if I have several people swearing by these rules - but they aren't married - how is that inspiring to me? And another thing ironic...here I was sitting in enrichment learning "how to get a guy" by another SINGLE gal just like me!! HAHA. If the first one wasn't funny, this one surely was to me. Honestly - I don't know why that would really help me think - yes, she must be right! Like I mentioned earlier - I appreciate the talks given by leaders and prophets that help us not get too crazed up with these dating how to's. Yes, obviously there are some good social rules to follow while dating that we all know (talking, ask your date ?'s, listen to them, share ideas, smile, eat with your mouth closed, don't talk about past relationships...yadda yadda) but, there isn't some all inclusive RULE!!
Lets look at another source - married people. Well, at least they figured it out right? Okay, well, they got married. And I bet their story didn't have all the RULES in it. I bet each married couple has a different story and success idea... I mean, some stories are like - dude, I just met you and I love you already, and others are like - let's date for 3 years and I'll be ready, and then others are even like - the girl asks him out, or etc. Okay - too many scenarios to write... BUT, everyone has a different solution. And it's not the RULE. I think marriages are miracles. Really - I mean, I'm not trying to be bitter, or anything, I'm just saying to get 2 people to decide such a big thing and to decide the same decision at the right time - it's a lovely miracle. I will have one one day no worries :) But, there isn't a secret to it - and even if everyone gives me advice, it might not help. I mean those people who were married were just lucky to find that one person right then...but it might not solve my issue right?
Okay - wow, how did I get way off course here? This soap box could go on and on. The basic message is that there aren't R-U-L-E-S for dating! At least for me. I'm still going to go up to guys - going to talk to them, maybe even be a bit forward if they need it, I'm going to make friends, I will call or text a guy if I feel like it, and heck, even tell a guy that I like him (although I've done that and it didn't turn out too well....) I am just going to TRUST in the Lord and know that if I feel inspired to make friends with a guy, etc - that hopefully He's with me on that path and will help me find, see, talk to, connect with, and make the eventual dating and marriage thing happen. I can't wait!!! Okay - but I have too... so I will. And I'm going to enjoy life now while I still have such a selfish life. And keep believing that Mr. Right will be around someday soon....
Thanks for listening to my venting :)
The enrichment leader in my ward was reading over the reasons for enrichment and one of the many lists that enrichment is for is to help the sisters in the ward to become better wives and mothers through __, ___, and etc. So, she thought - well, we aren't poppin out kids or even married yet here - but maybe our goal should be to help the sisters get to this place!! Yeah...so maybe a good thought, but then the direction of it went a little astray.
At enrichment we were told we'd be learning "how to flirt" and so I was already dreading it. I mean, the four letter word - D-A-T-E is already a bit of an annoying or touchy word...and to have a whole night devoted to it seemed "YIKES". Anyway this chick incharge busted out her lesson - She basically read the book The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right, by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider in 1995. Maybe you haven't heard of this book, but it was a best seller - some people swear by it calling it the "dating bible" and others feel it's a how to guide that teaches women to play games like the chase... Lets tell you the rules first:
1 - Don't talk to a man first
2 - Don't stare at men or talk too much
3 - Don't call him and rarely return his phone calls
4 - Don't accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday
5 - Don't see him more than once or twice a week
6 - Let him take the lead
7 - Don't expect a man to change or try to change him
8 - Always end the date first
9 - Etc Etc... there's a whole list on wikipedia... (these are the ones we read about)
So - I had heard of this book before, but I didn't agree with the girl who was a Rules Girl because she just seemed to be playing with them or something. After hearing the rules above, I at least gained a bit more respect. I believe these rules are good to think about when evaluating that man you like. I mean - obivously if he's not calling you, he doesn't ask you out or come and talk to you --- most likely, he's not crazy for you...and when we get married, we're going to want to find that guy who will do anything to be with us. BUT, haven't you met some married couples where the girl makes it convenient for him to talk to her, she might even drop a hint of a good date, or something - and maybe the guy just needed a little help, or was scared, etc. I mean, in todays world, guys are a bit more hesitant to date, and girls have to show they are interested. If you walk around not talking or looking at guys, not showing them - hey, i'm here...then why the heck would they even notice you? But, I do see the book's point that we need to watch out and try to find the guys that will do these things, rather than someone looking for bootycall...
This doesn't mean we're supposed to follow these rules though! I mean, come on!! It just upset me so much to see all these semi-not-social-already girls be told that they need to be even more socially awkward...and not talk to the boys. SAD! Okay, I'm not the expert - but these girls need friends that are guys and need to learn how to talk with them - and the guys sure do need help too. I really appreciated Elder Oaks counsel for the Young Singles - that's at least some sound advice! We're supposed to pair off, stop hanging out so much, but to meet people, etc. How can I if I'm just sitting and waiting for the MR Right to do all the work? Heck, I don't care if I find a guy I like - If I even ask him out or present an activity to do or suggest we get a bite to eat, etc. I mean - I will at least have a social group and friends and can network and widen my Man pool a bit. (This is soooo missionaryish.... I think the more guys I know, the more of a chance that I'll find the one... Like finding investigators...but it's soo true a little bit...)
I also found it completely ironic that there are actually RULES that people swear by as the secret success. That's soo too good to be true. Like really, if there was some secret way to getting a guy - wouldn't I and all of us be married by now? And if I have several people swearing by these rules - but they aren't married - how is that inspiring to me? And another thing ironic...here I was sitting in enrichment learning "how to get a guy" by another SINGLE gal just like me!! HAHA. If the first one wasn't funny, this one surely was to me. Honestly - I don't know why that would really help me think - yes, she must be right! Like I mentioned earlier - I appreciate the talks given by leaders and prophets that help us not get too crazed up with these dating how to's. Yes, obviously there are some good social rules to follow while dating that we all know (talking, ask your date ?'s, listen to them, share ideas, smile, eat with your mouth closed, don't talk about past relationships...yadda yadda) but, there isn't some all inclusive RULE!!
Lets look at another source - married people. Well, at least they figured it out right? Okay, well, they got married. And I bet their story didn't have all the RULES in it. I bet each married couple has a different story and success idea... I mean, some stories are like - dude, I just met you and I love you already, and others are like - let's date for 3 years and I'll be ready, and then others are even like - the girl asks him out, or etc. Okay - too many scenarios to write... BUT, everyone has a different solution. And it's not the RULE. I think marriages are miracles. Really - I mean, I'm not trying to be bitter, or anything, I'm just saying to get 2 people to decide such a big thing and to decide the same decision at the right time - it's a lovely miracle. I will have one one day no worries :) But, there isn't a secret to it - and even if everyone gives me advice, it might not help. I mean those people who were married were just lucky to find that one person right then...but it might not solve my issue right?
Okay - wow, how did I get way off course here? This soap box could go on and on. The basic message is that there aren't R-U-L-E-S for dating! At least for me. I'm still going to go up to guys - going to talk to them, maybe even be a bit forward if they need it, I'm going to make friends, I will call or text a guy if I feel like it, and heck, even tell a guy that I like him (although I've done that and it didn't turn out too well....) I am just going to TRUST in the Lord and know that if I feel inspired to make friends with a guy, etc - that hopefully He's with me on that path and will help me find, see, talk to, connect with, and make the eventual dating and marriage thing happen. I can't wait!!! Okay - but I have too... so I will. And I'm going to enjoy life now while I still have such a selfish life. And keep believing that Mr. Right will be around someday soon....
Thanks for listening to my venting :)
RULES shmules....who needs 'em?! :) haha. Love you
ReplyDeleteThat's funny. From what you said it sounds like the book took the idea of not making yourself seem desperate and needy to an extreme. That's funny that it was a best seller. Everyone wanted to know the big "secret". It reminds me of the "Pink Bible" in the Mormon Pride and Prejudice movie. :) I believe you were right when you said that you should follow the spirit. I think that's the big secret. :)
ReplyDelete