- Living in the present and loving it - I get a lot of comments about how hard it is to be pregnant and how uncomfortable or exhausting or taxing... And sometimes people ask how I am and mostly I say I'm good, maybe sore in my ribs - but I haven't really been able to relate to those who are so unhappy in pregnancy. Everyone has it differently, but I am really enjoying this time and I'm afraid it's going to just pass me by too quickly. I LOVE feeling our little boy move around inside me - even when he kicks my sides or rolls to the other side making it uncomfortable, it's an assurance that he's doing well in there. And I LOVE having him with me always and having someone to talk to, or I guess just listen to me. And I LOVE having a belly and being a little "special" when I am out and about. There are definitely hard times and days - when I can't sleep, or I can't bend down and lift something, or my rib/side aches where he sits, or I have heartburn... or I can barely make it up the stairs... But, those things are just TINY compared to what is actually happening inside of me - it's so cool, definitely a miracle! I spent a lot of time wishing for this time, and I think it has made it easy to not take it for granted. And I'm not saying it's bad to have a hard pregnancy or hate it or be a grouch, I'm just so happy that I'm happy with it. David and I have some good laughs these days as we crack jokes and life just seems to be going so well for us right now. I know hard times will come and I just want to enjoy the happy moment while I can. And I LOVE our little guy with me and I am excited for him to come out so we can meet him, but there's no rush (okay maybe there will be a rush if I'm a week late....) and I am treasuring this time while I can.
(May 19, around 30 weeks?)
- The future is quite unknown - with regards to when this little guy is going to come, what's happening with work, daily schedule, and even just when to get my hair cut next! I got my hair cut recently and as I tried to book my next appointment, about 8 weeks out, it was right around jellybean's due date! And I didn't really know how to make the decision - cut it before? cut it after? but what if he's early or late? And then as I booked it for 2-3 weeks after his due date I also thought - now what will happen with our little guy - bring him, leave him with dad, ?? It's going to be quite an adventure trying to figure out what the future holds. And obviously there is a lot more to think about besides hair appointments :)
- Work - Lately work is different and hard and with my hormones, it's much easier to want to just come home and cry sometimes. But I'm excited to take a leave here soon, and just trying to figure out how to be a stay at home mom while still trying to keep our health benefits as long as we can and get an income as long as we can. Dental school for 4 years will be a big financial undertaking and apparently government loans have changed a ton so we are just working on how to make ends meet. I'm confident we'll be able to do it, just unsure exactly how we will get to the end. And I hope if I need to work later, I can find something that will allow me still to be home and with our kids.
- Preparing for single life - So maybe that's not the best title, but I am trying to get in the mindset that I'm going to be missing my better half a lot for the next few years. I'll see him on Sundays and some evenings for an hour or two, but he'll be in a daze with a bunch of facts rolling around in his brain (this is how our first 2 years of marriage was like). I'm well aware, but know it will be even more demanding than during undergraduate years. And while all these nice but unknowing advise givers like to tell me to hand baby over to Dad when he gets home, I know its not going to be totally possible. I want to support him in his education and he's going to need all the time he can to study and become a dentist. And I know I'll need to rely on him sometimes, but I don't want to already plan on it. Sometimes I've found if I change my attitude towards something and expect something else, I can come to be okay with it and even agree sometimes. Rather than taking the stereotypical plan of whatever topic/idea/etc., I can instead decide on my own and don't have to follow the crowd or do as others do. So maybe I'm crazy on this one, but here's something I've started to train myself on before our cute baby gets here: not wanting to "jump ship" as soon as dad gets home. I'm going to have to test this out later, but for now, I'm just training myself to 1) remember that I just love little tiny babies and am not going to want to leave him very often at all, and 2) also realize I'm going to need a break or adult conversation or just rest, but that it will come, and it may be really short, but it may be all I need. So, again I may be crazy, but I'm feeling good about it so far.
- Preparing for being a mom to a future grown up- I'm not sure how to tackle this one yet, but I've at least tried to think about this one as well and to be honest, a little scared! I like babies and toddlers but the fact that someday our little baby will be an adult, married and have his own life is a little scary. I think I may be jumping WAY ahead here, but again, I'm a planner and I just want to realize that the baby I'm caring for will need enough parental time to get him to adulthood and then he'll be off on his own. As David knows, I have a hard time letting someone go after loving them (he knows he can't ever leave me and even as we get old, we just have to somehow go together...) so knowing that we'll have this child to care for, on loan from God anyway, for a time, is another realization and attitude I'm trying to develop. And the thing that gets me excited is that - there's always grandkids, right? Since I just love those little babies. I know it will be hard because I will be sad as each month and then year passes by, but it's inevitable and the plan, so if I change my attitude it'll be easier to handle when it actually comes.
- Ward - our ward recently has been hard, so I'm excited for a change, and just hoping I can dive in to this new ward with a little more energy and make some friends my age. Currently I have a lot of 70-90 year old friends from our old ward, but I hope our new ward is somewhat okay and we reach out and they reach out to us too!
- Future Dad - thinking about David being a dad just gets me excited. I already know he's going to be the fun one and playing right along with them. Means I may end up being the bad cop or stricter one or just the worrier, but maybe I'll outgrow that and we all can just play? But David has some great qualities and thoughts and I'm excited for him to share those with our boy and future kids. They'll get all they need from him if they pay attention. It's going to be fun watching him interact with them when he can, I know it will be at the top of his list, even above school and work. And I hope he can train me to be fun, silly and still teach and motivate at the same time. David, you're going to be the best Dad, I can already tell and can't wait to watch it happen and be parents together.
- Worrying and trying not to - I think a lot about our Jellybean and hope he's growing well and healthy inside of me. When he squirms a lot, its uncomfortable, but I'm happy to know that he's wiggling around. I don't have to count kicks ever because he's been moving every day since week 28, and with my midwife I thought it was better for me not to get so paranoid but just make sure he moves everyday and if I ever don't feel movement for awhile, just eat or drink something sugary and poke around and get him to move. But I really haven't had to do that, maybe once or so just because I had pulled a muscle or had moved our house and wore him out - he's very active so I am trying to be positive that all is going well inside of me. And most of the time I am not too concerned, but I think every pregnant mom has these fears and you just have to put them aside and trust that all is going to be okay. He's a fighter and strong, we already know that :)
- Projects - so besides all these deeper thoughts, I also have LISTS going all over in my head these days. I want to make a baby blanket for our little guy, I want to put together some memory books from the last few years, I also want to write down this pregnancy before it leaves me, and then I want to make or buy a baby book to document all of his firsts and such as well. Besides getting a house and room ready and buying all the necessities - it can totally get overwhelming! So I spend a bunch of time thinking and planning on this, but then in the end, I haven't had time for much of any of it yet. So another reason to hope the time still goes slow, then I can get some of these projects started and hopefully done by our due date. And don't even get me thinking about projects beyond baby and house stuff - I've got so many other things like pictures, videos, music organization, memory books, ahhh... Just need to table these thoughts for awhile. I'd say, I'm going to get these done when I'm staying at home someday, but I already know raising a child is going to be 98% of my time - we'll be playing, learning, and reading together. Hopefully I can fill our days full with stimulating activities at least...
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